I've been writing this blog, off and on, since 2006. When I started, I was just trying to lose a little weight. I had my sights set no higher than small, local 5Ks. Since then, I have run two marathons, experimented with various fads, gained and lost the same 15 pounds multiple times, and quit and restarted this blog about as many times.
Since 2006, the blogosphere has changed too. Twitter is huge now, and other technologies make this Blogger thing seem quaint. I still have an urge to write, but whether I chose to write in this space or someplace else is a decision I'll be pondering in the next few days. In the meantime, I'm on Twitter (@edhammerbeck).
Don't look behind you -- Run!
2010-08-10
2010-08-06
Running through depression
I have a friend -- let's call him Jed -- with depression. As depressives go, he's fairly high-functioning. He is successful in his marriage and his career. He has routines and tapes that run in his head that allow him to function, and so he gets done what needs doing. To look at him, apart from his rather vacant expression and deadpan manner, you'd never know what a sad robot he was inside. Behind his mask of normalcy is a desire to hide away, like Gollum
, alone, in a damp cave at the roots of a mountain. Behind the mask, you don't see the self-loathing, fear, joylessness, and pain he suffers much of the time. All that misery is tucked behind 40 years of adaptations created to keep away the chirping birds asking whether he has a case of the Mondays.
"Yes," he'd say, "Every day feels like Monday
." And then he'd hate himself because he hates Morrisey.
But, curiously, Jed is also a runner. "It's how I self-medicate," Jed says, "when I'm not drinking, that is." Running helps him. Running doesn't cure Jed's blues, but he says it helps keep things in check. "When I run, life is bearable, and the more I run, the better everything else is. As hard as the peak weeks of marathon season are physically, that's when my depression is easiest."
So why is it that he sometimes takes a week off for no reason? Why does he just fall out of the patterns that work for him, that make him function? If it makes him feel so good, you'd think he'd never skip a workout. "It only takes one," he says, "to kick off that negative feedback loop. I skip the workout, and then I feel bad about it, and so I skip another. Then I feel worse, and it compounds and builds. Before I know it, a week's gone by."
So how does Jed get out of this cycle? How does a depressed person help himself? "Sheer willpower," Jed says. "I force myself. Everything inside is shouting at me to crawl into bed and stay there. Every atom of me screams to do nothing. I have to push through that. Running taught me how to push that hard. Running a marathons gets bad, but you have to push through that despair at mile 18 or 20 to get your medal."
In short, to run through depression, Jed says:
, alone, in a damp cave at the roots of a mountain. Behind the mask, you don't see the self-loathing, fear, joylessness, and pain he suffers much of the time. All that misery is tucked behind 40 years of adaptations created to keep away the chirping birds asking whether he has a case of the Mondays."Yes," he'd say, "Every day feels like Monday
." And then he'd hate himself because he hates Morrisey.But, curiously, Jed is also a runner. "It's how I self-medicate," Jed says, "when I'm not drinking
, that is." Running helps him. Running doesn't cure Jed's blues, but he says it helps keep things in check. "When I run, life is bearable, and the more I run, the better everything else is. As hard as the peak weeks of marathon season are physically, that's when my depression is easiest."So why is it that he sometimes takes a week off for no reason? Why does he just fall out of the patterns that work for him, that make him function? If it makes him feel so good, you'd think he'd never skip a workout. "It only takes one," he says, "to kick off that negative feedback loop. I skip the workout, and then I feel bad about it, and so I skip another. Then I feel worse, and it compounds and builds. Before I know it, a week's gone by."
So how does Jed get out of this cycle? How does a depressed person help himself? "Sheer willpower," Jed says. "I force myself. Everything inside is shouting at me to crawl into bed and stay there. Every atom of me screams to do nothing. I have to push through that. Running taught me how to push that hard. Running a marathons gets bad, but you have to push through that despair at mile 18 or 20 to get your medal."
In short, to run through depression, Jed says:
- Run anyway, now matter how bad you feel
- Slavishly obey your routines/plans
- Forgive yourself when you fail because you will fail
- Reward yourself when you succeed
2010-08-02
Can't hide the bulge anymore
This weekend was perfect for getting in some miles as the weather, particularly in the morning, was great. I took a break on Saturday, choosing instead to spend the day at the Fright Night Film Fest, Louisville's home-grown horror-con. I saw several low-budget films -- some good, some awful -- and got an eyeful of all sorts of things to haunt my dreams. Even the on-site tattoo parlor had its share of chills and thrills. [I didn't get one.]
On Sunday, I ran 2.5 miles barefoot through the neighborhood. Tonight, I will run 1.5 - 2 miles in my Vibrams with my daughter at her cross-country practice.
My third week of barefoot transition is going well. I'm adding a mile or two a week. Last week, I did six miles barefoot. My feet aren't that sore, although they are tender when I stand up from sitting or reclining for a long period of time. It's sort of like plantar fasciitis, but it's nowhere near as painful, sharp, or crippling. It's more of an ache that passes within a half-minute or so of walking. I stretch the bottoms of my feet a few times a day and live with it.
In other news, I'm trying to lose weight again. The months of reduced mileage have caused my carcass to swell beyond 190 pounds. [My total lack of anything resembling a healthy diet might have something to do with it, too.] To fight the fat, I am keeping a food journal, and trying to normalize my eating. So far, I've lost two pounds. If you want to follow my progress, I'm on Lose It! I'll take any and all friend requests there.
On Sunday, I ran 2.5 miles barefoot through the neighborhood. Tonight, I will run 1.5 - 2 miles in my Vibrams with my daughter at her cross-country practice.
My third week of barefoot transition is going well. I'm adding a mile or two a week. Last week, I did six miles barefoot. My feet aren't that sore, although they are tender when I stand up from sitting or reclining for a long period of time. It's sort of like plantar fasciitis, but it's nowhere near as painful, sharp, or crippling. It's more of an ache that passes within a half-minute or so of walking. I stretch the bottoms of my feet a few times a day and live with it.
In other news, I'm trying to lose weight again. The months of reduced mileage have caused my carcass to swell beyond 190 pounds. [My total lack of anything resembling a healthy diet might have something to do with it, too.] To fight the fat, I am keeping a food journal, and trying to normalize my eating. So far, I've lost two pounds. If you want to follow my progress, I'm on Lose It! I'll take any and all friend requests there.
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